literature

Abandoned

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Clockwork-Reaper's avatar
Published:
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Literature Text

Abandoned in the rain
He left me
left...

Alone I stand in the cold wet night
with crushed dreams on the ground before me
and a broken heart held in my hands

When will it end?
When will I be loved?
When can I be defended?

Never; it will never end
never will I be loved
no one will ever defend me

The rain falls upon my broken existence,
for I have been abandoned
and that is how it will remain.
I got the idea for this from the picture above of genderbent Death the Kid. The picture seems so sad, and I just felt such a drive as to right about it or maybe even draw it.

I do not own the picture, or Death the Kid
This poem is my own though

:iconeditplz: So many favorites! I think this is my best poem yet! :)
Comments5
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majicfrog's avatar
And that's when you've got to pull yourself up by your boot-straps and engineer an umbrella out of blood, sweat, and tears.

Or something. It's 3:00am as of posting and I'm scrolling through the new poetry on deviantArt. You forgot to capitalize an "I" in the 11th line. In my own personal opinion, I would try to work without ellipses, as they make it appear that... well, you're uncertain about your own words... almost as if... you're writing this at 3:00am.

Take this:
"Never... it will never end"
And try something like:
"Never; it will never end" or "Never. It will never end" or even "Never! It will never end" depending on what sort of pause and expression you're going for.
Whichever way, you achieve a similar pause but without uncertainty. Given the subject I don't think you'd want uncertainty, as you're stating that "it will (definitely) never end" not "I'm not sure... maybe it will never end." This is just the rambling of an insomniac, though. I might be dead wrong about your intention or even about the punctuation itself.

The ellipsis after "left" is better, as here it creates a sense of pondering, as if the narrator is reflecting on the events described. Although the word itself doesn't seem strong enough for this sort of emphasis in my opinion. Eh. It gets the point across. I like the parallel structure you went for in the third stanza, but it seems slightly off. Not sure why. Overall, not a bad poem. Not bad at all.